If it is right, it happens—the main thing is not to hurry. Nothing good gets away.
- John Steinbeck
You have two hands for a reason: one to hold compassion, the other to hold a boundary.
Ever since I first saw this quote by Many Trapp a few months ago, it's never left my mind. It so clearly articulates this balancing act of strength and softness.
Compassion, or kindness, has always been one of my core values. It's been a driving force of how I live my life, and I used to think that it was all we needed to heal the world (cheesy, I know).
In my late teens and early 20s, that was never more true. I gave so much of myself to others thinking that I was leading with compassion. I mistook people-pleasing for kindness and I thought that I could help anybody simply by loving them. I gave and gave and gave love to the point of sacrificing my own sense of self. I thought that if I gave enough of my love away, it would come back to me.
With time, I learned that without directing compassion inward—to the self first—I couldn't truly lead with compassion. I held no boundaries or convictions about what I stood for and was hurting myself in the process. The work always begins inside and then can be directed out.
In other words, because nobody else can put it better, if you don't love yourself, how in the hell you gonna love somebody else? (- the inimitable RuPaul) This is perhaps the hardest lesson to learn—not just know intellectually, but fully absorb and assimilate. To believe wholeheartedly.
Compassion has its limits.
We can't simply offer love and light whenever things go wrong.
When someone robs a bank, deliberately spreads lies, or starts a riot, we can't idly sit by offering them compassion in the hopes that they find their way to truth. In our own healing journey, we can't keep recognizing our negative behaviors without actively working to stop them. If someone has hurt us, it's not enough to know that "hurt people hurt people." We need to stand up for ourselves and say, no more.
That's our boundary.
Boundaries keep our convictions safe. They protect our knowing—or our truth, our deep wisdom—by not letting the judgmental or emotional self take over.
We get to our truth through compassion and reflection, and then we use a boundary to strengthen our truth. When we allow ourselves to blossom into the fullest expression of who we are (not who we think we should be or who others want us to be) through compassion and reflection, it's easy to see what is important and what is right.
So then the question left is how do we discern when to hold compassion and when to hold a boundary? We won't always make the right choice at the right time (we're human after all) but an easy point of reference is that if it hurts someone, compassion is not the one.
Words are never enough if not backed up by action. Some may see this as love not being enough on its own, but really it's that without conviction, without knowing our truth, we aren't actually practicing love.
We bend so we don't break—but we also stand tall so we don't get knocked down.
There is strength in compassion and softness in a boundary. After all, they're two sides of the same coin—two hands from the same body. When we lead with compassion, it's easy to hold a boundary. When we know our truth, it is simple to offer love. ✨
Let's flow together—but apart
Class schedule is below—there's no class on Friday this week. If you can't make a class in real-time, sign up anyway so that you can get the recording and play it later.
Weekly writing prompt
Write about your favorite T-shirt (15 minutes)
Other musings
Get some rest (Chronically Cheerful)
A guaranteed pick-me-up: 15 minutes of pure camp (YouTube)
Love stories with Stanley Tucci (Soundcloud)
Spring greens: easy edamame crunch salad (Grateful Grazer)
On repeat: Valiance by Geotic (Spotify)
Historic decision for women's rights: Uttarakhand becomes the first state to grant women co-ownership of land previously passed down through patriarchal lines (Times of India)
Being considered “in your prime” is not a position of power if you are a girl alone in a room with a man. The deceitful notion that you have power because you’re considered desirable centers male desire, rather than your own pleasure. “In her prime” hurts men, too, by teaching them to see women as commodities and to define their own self-worth according to what they can obtain. (The Cut)
I love you x
LBC